Sallah is tomorrow, and Muslim families across Nigeria are knee-deep in preparations. But for those who grew up in polygamous households, celebrations like this come with added layers. It鈥檚 not just about what to eat and drink, it鈥檚 about which wife is hosting, how much tension will be flying under the surface, and what version of family you鈥檙e expected to show up for.
We asked five Nigerian Muslims to share what Sallah looks like when you鈥檙e from a polygamous home, and they have stories for days.
鈥淚t鈥檚 all picture-perfect until you look closer 鈥濃�� *Fawas, 32
*Fawas grew up watching three women host one man. His father insisted on togetherness, but the energy in the room told a different story. Even now, Eid means reading body language and trying not to trigger long-buried drama.
鈥淢y dad has three wives, and my mum is the second. Everyone lives in their own house, but during Sallah or Ramadan, he insists we all gather at the first wife鈥檚 house, which is also the main family house. As a kid, everything always seemed normal. The food was plenty, everyone looked nice, and there were always visitors. But now that I鈥檓 grown, I can tell the peace is fragile. The wives are cordial, but that鈥檚 it. They take turns smiling politely and making sure their children don鈥檛 cross invisible boundaries. It gets worse when guests come. Each wife wants to be the one who looks like the matriarch 鈥� the one who cooks more food, dresses better, and gets the 鈥淲elcome, sir鈥� out first. No wife wants to be seen as not contributing.聽
My siblings and I try to be neutral, but that neutrality is emotional labour. I have one full sibling, and the rest are half-siblings. You鈥檇 think we were cousins with how tense it gets sometimes. I remember some years ago, I took the third wife鈥檚 last-born child with me to help distribute Sallah meat. I guess she didn鈥檛 know he went out with me, because by the time we returned, there was already chaos in the house 鈥� they thought the boy had gone missing. The moment she saw us, she rushed over and snatched him from my arms like I was a kidnapper. After that, her children kept their distance from me for the rest of the two days we all spent together.
My dad? He鈥檚 either blind to it or doesn鈥檛 care. He鈥檒l call everyone out for pictures. If one wife is missing, he鈥檒l shout for her. The man is feigning ignorance, but the house is clearly divided.鈥�
鈥淲e do rotations. One celebration, one household鈥� 鈥� *Samiat, 28
*Samiat鈥檚 father never pretended that the wives got along, so Sallah was always split in two. He鈥檇 greet one wife here and eat with another there, all while managing the politics of who got his attention first.
鈥淚 used to feel bad that we weren鈥檛 all together as one big family. But now, I appreciate the boundaries. My dad has two wives. I鈥檓 the first child of the first wife. And for most of my life, Eid was split. If Eid al-Fitr was spent at my mum鈥檚 house, Eid al-Adha would be at my stepmum鈥檚. It was a needed arrangement to avoid drama. They don鈥檛 fight publicly, but there鈥檚 no real friendship either. As the eldest, I鈥檓 the one who calls my dad to remind him of whose 鈥渢urn鈥� it is. Sometimes, he forgets.
Whenever it鈥檚 my stepmum鈥檚 turn, I show up out of duty. But I can feel the difference. Her kids are sweet, but there鈥檚 an obvious line. Their mum watches them like a hawk, like they might love us too much. I once heard her say something along the lines of, 鈥淒on鈥檛 forget where your loyalty lies.鈥� That day, I decided I鈥檇 never try too hard. My mum isn鈥檛 a saint either. I鈥檝e had to call her to order on some occasions. But these days? I focus on my own peace. The joint-family fantasy isn鈥檛 for everyone.鈥�
鈥淢y mum and stepmum are besties. We鈥檙e the ones confused鈥� 鈥�*Yusuf, 25
*Yusuf鈥檚 mum and stepmum are genuine friends who plan family celebrations together. But while the women share harmony, the same can鈥檛 be said for the children.
鈥淚 have what people call a 鈥渞are polygamous home.鈥� My dad has two wives 鈥� my mum and my stepmum 鈥� and they鈥檙e legit friends. Not just 鈥渉i hi鈥� friends. They gist, cook together, and plan Sallah as a team. Growing up, I didn鈥檛 realise how rare that was. The weird thing is, my half-siblings and I aren鈥檛 as close. My full siblings and I are tight, but the rest? We鈥檙e civil. Maybe it鈥檚 school, or distance, or the awkwardness that naturally comes with 鈥渉alf-half.鈥� We try to match our mothers鈥� energy, but it鈥檚 hard.
During family celebrations, I always admire how my mums delegate duties and insist we all dress alike. They even wear matching lace. It鈥檚 cute, but I can鈥檛 lie, it feels performative sometimes. They both know our dad is a chronic flirt, but neither ever speaks about it. So when we all gather to pray or take pictures, it鈥檚 like everyone is agreeing to pretend we鈥檙e a united front. I love them for making it peaceful, but I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檇 ever try polygamy myself. There鈥檚 too much work that goes into keeping appearances.鈥�
鈥淚 always feel like I鈥檓 betraying someone鈥� 鈥� *Maryam, 27
*Maryam found out about her stepmother by accident, and the emotional distance never fully closed. Now an adult, she tries to navigate both homes during Eid, but both women make the celebration feel more like something to be endured than a joyful gathering.
鈥淚 was 11 when I found out my dad had another wife. It wasn鈥檛 a family announcement. I just overheard my aunt on the phone talking about my half-brother. That day, I asked my mum who he was, and her face changed. She didn鈥檛 lie. She just said, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 your father鈥檚 other child.鈥� And that was the end of it. My dad never tried to blend the homes. He鈥檇 attend Eid prayers with us, then disappear for the rest of the day without explanation. For years, we never visited his second family. My mum didn鈥檛 want us 鈥渆xposed to the woman who stole her husband.鈥� Her words. I grew up with this silent resentment around the other house. When my dad gave gifts or sent food from that side, my mum would barely acknowledge it.
It wasn鈥檛 until I got into university that I made the choice to visit. I wanted to know my half-siblings and draw my conclusions after years of hearing my mum make suggestive comments about their mum. Now, I occasionally visit during special celebrations like Sallah. It鈥檚 never a long stay, just enough to greet their mum, say a few prayers, and eat something light. But the visits are complicated. My stepmum calls me 鈥渢hat girl鈥� 鈥� not to my face, but I鈥檝e heard it slip. She smiles when I show up, but something else plays out when I鈥檓 not there.聽
My half-siblings are warmer. Especially the sister who鈥檚 closer in age to me. We鈥檙e not super close, but we talk now and then. The younger one doesn鈥檛 know what the tension is about, so he treats me like any other aunt who visits. Still, it鈥檚 hard. I feel like I鈥檓 betraying my mum when I visit them. And when I stay away, I feel like I鈥檓 ignoring a part of my family that exists whether I like it or not.鈥�
鈥淢y siblings and I once fought because our mums were fighting鈥� 鈥� *Rahman, 31
People talk about wives not getting along in polygamous homes, but they never talk about how it trickles down to the kids. *Rahman knows this feeling all too well.
鈥淢y dad had four wives at one point, but now it鈥檚 three. My mum is the last. My closest friend growing up was my brother from the second wife. We went to the same school, wore the same clothes, and spent lots of time together. Then, during Sallah one year, our mums fought over something petty. I think it was about meat. Suddenly, we couldn鈥檛 hang out. My stepbrother would avoid me in school. On Eid, we couldn鈥檛 run around together like we always did. It was just weird.
Even now, at 31, there鈥檚 a lingering awkwardness. We鈥檝e moved past it, but our closeness never returned. Family celebrations bring it all back. At our last Sallah gathering, our dad insisted we all take a group picture. I saw my mum whisper something to my sister, and she immediately wiped off her smile. My stepmum saw that and made a snide remark. Next thing you know, the mood went cold. That鈥檚 polygamy for you. One small crack, and everything topples.鈥�
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