Do you really 鈥榞et over鈥� the death of someone you love? Grief goes beyond weeping at a funeral.聽 Sometimes, it鈥檚 in texting a number that will never reply, avoiding your own birthday, or wondering if you鈥檙e even allowed to mourn someone you barely knew.
In a society where you鈥檙e expected to 鈥榖e strong鈥� and 鈥榤ove on quickly,鈥� many Nigerians carry grief quietly. We spoke to six Nigerians who’ve lost someone they deeply loved. They open up about the different ways grief continues to shape their lives.
鈥淓ating, sleeping, and even breathing is difficult鈥� 鈥� *Adam, 29
*Adam was planning to propose to his girlfriend when she died of leukaemia. Months later, grief has changed everything from his work life to his family.
“She died in December 2024. We knew she was sick, but the news still felt like a slap. I wasn鈥檛 even there. I had taken a job in Port Harcourt, and she was in Ibadan. If I could turn back time, I wouldn鈥檛 have taken that job. I鈥檇 give anything to have been by her side.
I remember the exact feeling when her sister called 鈥攖he buzzing in my ears, and how everything froze. I was going to propose on my next visit and had started looking at rings. Now, I feel guilty doing anything. Eating, sleeping, and even breathing is difficult. Life feels colourless.
I couldn鈥檛 concentrate at work and had to take leave. When I told my parents I was taking time off, my dad said, 鈥楢re you the first person to lose a girlfriend?鈥� I was so mad. We had a huge fight and haven鈥檛 spoken since. It feels like a part of me died with her, and it鈥檚 not coming back.”
鈥淚 don鈥檛 have the right to grieve him鈥� 鈥� *Farida, 25
*Farida鈥檚 father battled a mental illness for over a decade. She expected to feel relief after his death. Instead, the guilt hit harder than she expected.
鈥淢y dad鈥檚 illness was mostly mental. From when I was 14, he was just a physical presence. It felt like parts of him 鈥� his mind and personality 鈥� had died years ago.
My mum had to be both wife and caregiver while raising us. She didn’t hire help because she feared society would judge her. She did it all by herself. I sometimes wished for my dad鈥檚 passing just so my mum could catch a break. When he did, I thought I鈥檇 feel free, but I didn鈥檛.
I was overwhelmed with guilt. It felt like I killed him with my thoughts.
Sometimes, I feel like I鈥檝e lost the right to grieve him, but I cry regardless. I don鈥檛 think that grief will ever stop.鈥�
鈥淚 fear I鈥檒l forget her face one day鈥� 鈥� *Zoe, 24
*Zoe lost her mother at a young age. Years later, the pain still feels raw. She鈥檚 just learned to live with it quietly.
鈥淓veryone says time heals, but I don鈥檛 think that鈥檚 true. I鈥檝e just learned to nurture the wound so it doesn鈥檛 ache every day.聽
My mum died when I was young, and to this day, I still imagine her walking into the room and saying it was all a prank.
The hardest part of losing her is the loneliness. I never got to talk to anyone about things girls are meant to share with their mums 鈥� my period, crushes, or even just how I was feeling. I was expected to just keep going, and I did. Most people don鈥檛 even know I鈥檝e lost a parent. I feel like our society doesn鈥檛 really support grieving people, and I don鈥檛 want to burden anyone.
I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. I鈥檓 scared I鈥檒l forget her face. I wouldn鈥檛 say I鈥檝e healed, but I keep myself going by living a life she鈥檇 be proud of.鈥�
鈥淚 miss the future I鈥檒l never have with him鈥� 鈥� *Dan, 28
People say time heals, but for *Dan, grief has only grown more complicated with age.
鈥淚 lost my dad when I was 11. My mum did her best, but there were things I missed, especially as a boy. There were conversations only a father could have with his son, and I didn鈥檛 get those.
I miss him, and I miss what our future together could have looked like. I also grieve the past. Sometimes, I pass by where he used to work and feel this wave of longing I can鈥檛 explain.
People expected me to 鈥榮tep up鈥� after he died. They didn鈥檛 say it outright, but it was implied. That pressure made me grow up too fast. Even now, I still compare my friends鈥� dads to him. Sometimes, I catch myself wishing they were my dad, or that they鈥檇 met him. My dad and I shared a birthday, but since his demise, I find it hard to celebrate., That day just reminds me of a hole in my chest that鈥檒l never be filled.鈥�
鈥淚 still reach for my phone to call her鈥� 鈥� *Ifeoma, 45
*Ifeoma reconnected with her mother as an adult, only to lose her again a few years later.
鈥淚 didn鈥檛 grow up with my mum. We reconnected 25 years later, after university, and she quickly became my everything鈥� my confidant and gist partner.
After I got married, she would visit and notice things I missed, like the house help stealing from me. Her presence made a big difference.
When she died, it felt like fate stole her from me a second time. We only spent eleven years together. At first, I didn鈥檛 feel the absence because we lived in different cities. But months later, I realised she was the one person who could be honest with me. Sometimes, I forget and reach for my phone to call her. Bad things would happen to me and I鈥檇 think, 鈥業f only my mum were here鈥�.
After her death, a lot of people came to visit and pray with me. I was grateful, but the comfort was temporary. Once they left, the emptiness returned. I look at my children and miss her even more.鈥�
鈥淚 cry in the bathroom when no one鈥檚 watching鈥� 鈥� *Sylvie, 23
Like most mother-daughter relationships, *Sylvie鈥檚 relationship with her mum was rocky. Still, nothing prepared her for how the loss would change her.
鈥淢y mum and I had this love-hate kind of relationship. But losing her left a void I didn鈥檛 expect, and it shows up more often than I鈥檇 like to admit.
I became hyper-independent and overly emotional. I cry often 鈥� in the bathroom, during prayer, even over minor inconveniences. Her death also made me socially withdrawn. I left social media and got triggered by the simplest things 鈥攈ymns, TikTok videos, or a line from a sermon. I still talk about her all the time, sometimes without even realising. I have accepted that my grief won鈥檛 end. I鈥檓 no longer shattered, but I鈥檓 still not whole.鈥�
How to Live With Grief Without Losing Yourself
We asked Oghenetega Esiekpe, , to explain how to live through grief, one day at a time.
1. Feel everything without shame
鈥淕rief is not a defect or weakness. It is the unresolved love you carry with you,鈥� Esiekpe says.
Sadness, guilt, anger, or numbness, they鈥檙e all valid reactions, and you should let yourself feel them. Don鈥檛 try to 鈥榮nap out of it鈥� or pretend you鈥檙e fine. Feeling pain or hurt is a natural reaction to loss, and it serves as evidence of love and acceptance.
Esiekpe says guilt is one of the most misunderstood parts of grief. 鈥淚t shows up when you think you didn鈥檛 do enough, or feel relief after someone鈥檚 suffering ends. But that relief only means you鈥檙e human.鈥� There is no one way to grieve, and you don鈥檛 need perfect memories to feel loss.
2. Create small, daily rituals that help you stay grounded
Healing or accepting the loss of a loved one does not happen overnight; it takes small and intentional steps to help one move along.
鈥淗ave a routine check-in with yourself, probably at the end of each day. Ask yourself how you feel today. Write down one thing you miss, one thing you remember, or one thing you鈥檙e still angry about,鈥� she suggests.
Daily rituals like having a phone call or even gardening can help you reconnect to life in a way that gradually heals you.
3. Don鈥檛 ghost your relationships. Be honest
Grief makes your other relationships feel exhausting, even though they are a big part of healing. That doesn鈥檛 mean you need to perform happiness. Esiekpe advises, 鈥淟et people know you still value their presence. When a friend checks in, consider saying, 鈥業 don鈥檛 have the words to express how I feel right now, but I appreciate you checking on me.鈥�. 鈥�
If talking is hard, she suggests other alternatives: watch a movie with friends and family, revisit memories with someone who knows the dearly departed, or simply sit in silence with someone who cares. These are healthy ways to maintain bonds without the pressure to shut down or put on an act.
4. Set boundaries, especially with people who mean well, but hurt you
Like *Adam鈥檚 father, People will say the wildest things when you鈥檙e grieving. Esiekpe says it鈥檚 okay to block that out.
鈥淐onsider saying, 鈥業 appreciate your concern, but I鈥檓 not ready for this conversation,鈥� or 鈥業鈥檇 prefer to be alone right now.鈥� Boundaries are a way for you to protect your peace while you heal.鈥�
5. Grief doesn鈥檛 disappear
If it鈥檚 been months or years and the pain still feels raw, you鈥檙e not broken. You鈥檙e just grieving honestly.
鈥淪ome losses reshape us forever,鈥� Esiekpe says. 鈥淭he goal isn鈥檛 to move on from them, but to move forward while carrying the memory.鈥�
It helps to remember that your loved one would want you to be happy. Living fully can be your way of honouring and celebrating them.
6. Grieve privately, protect publicly
In Nigeria, where we fervently uphold the principle of 鈥榣ife must go on鈥�, people expect you to be 鈥榮trong鈥�. It’s okay to mourn for a short while, but you shouldn鈥檛 dwell on the loss.. Esiekpe encourages a different approach: 鈥淕rieve privately, protect publicly.鈥�
That means finding small moments to cry, feel, or process. It could be in the car, at lunch, or before you go to bed. Don鈥檛 let others rush your healing. You have to heal the way your heart needs.
Bottom line
Remember, how you grieve is an indicator that you loved and were loved. It鈥檚 not just a 鈥榩hase鈥� in life, but a lifelong companion that reshapes how you see the world. Let it change you gently and guide you back to living fully again.
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