The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.
*Jack refers to his partner in gender-neutral pronouns,聽they/them.
How long have you been with your partner?
Pat and I have been together since 2020, so that鈥檚 five years.
How did you meet?
We met during the 2020 lockdown. A mutual friend shared their contact, and we started talking over the phone. I wasn鈥檛 looking for anything more than friendship because I was in another relationship. Things weren鈥檛 great with my ex, but I was trying to figure things out with them.
However, four or five months after I started talking with Pat, I realised my relationship was beyond saving. Among other things, it bugged me that my ex and I lived in the same city, but they didn鈥檛 prioritise trying to see me. My job as a journalist allowed me to move around during the lockdown, and I kept asking to come see them, but they kept giving me different excuses.
Yet Pat lived in a whole other state, several kilometres away, and they came down to Lagos to see me immediately after the lockdown lifted in August. At that point, I decided to stop pushing things with my ex. Pat asked that we be together, and we made things official.
You both lived in different states at this point?
Yes. Pat was in their final year at school, but the ASUU strike and lockdown allowed us to spend a lot of time together. We did a lot of travelling back and forth, and they stayed at my place for long periods. The first visit was about two weeks, then the next one lasted for three months.
Who financed these trips?
I was the financially buoyant one, so I handled the expenses. Pat had a few hustles in school, but I had a stable 鈧�200k salary, not including the extra money I made from the occasional writing side gigs.
Bus trips were a recurring expense in the first year 鈥� about 鈧�40k for a round trip. We also had date nights. I was very into the entertainment scene, so I always dragged Pat along to art exhibitions, fashion shows, restaurants and movie dates.
We often hung out with friends and got outfits together. It was the honeymoon phase, so we did all the works. Each outing typically cost 鈧�50k – 鈧�60k, and this happened every two weeks. Pat often chipped in for the expenses as well. It was a very give-and-take situation. I could organise date night this weekend, and they鈥檇 make plans for the following weekend.
Sounds like you had a working system
Yeah, and seeing someone willing to spend their last cash on me was really nice. Once, they offered to send me the last 鈧�2k in their account because I was broke. Gifting is my love language, and I always try to achieve balance in giving. If someone gives me something, I want to give back, so it鈥檚 not like I鈥檓 just taking.
Knowing Pat was open to sharing their limited finances made it more natural for me to do the same. In the early days of our relationship, Pat was uncomfortable with that. They鈥檇 complain, saying, 鈥淓very time I give you something, it feels like you are returning it. You always find something to give me in return, and it makes me uncomfortable.鈥� But that鈥檚 me, and we just accept it.
In 2021, Pat graduated from uni and moved in with me in Lagos. This was about five months into the relationship. I didn鈥檛 even have a say in the moving-in part, but we鈥檝e lived together ever since.
How come you didn鈥檛 have a say about them moving in?
So, Pat already knew they were coming to Lagos for their residency. It was somewhat delayed because of the lockdown and strike, so when it came, they just said, 鈥淚鈥檓 moving in.鈥�
I didn鈥檛 like having people in my space for long stretches of time, and I told them this, but they just said, 鈥淵ou鈥檒l learn to get comfortable with it.鈥�
And did you get comfortable with it?
Well, we still live together. It was easier to adjust than I imagined. I think when you love somebody, you just find a way to create space for them. I adjusted pretty quickly.
Remember I said I was the financially buoyant one? That changed when we started living together. Pat found an online customer service gig with an international communications company that paid by the hour. I think the base pay was $2, and the rate increased with the number of hours worked. For instance, you could work $3/hour for one hour, but if you worked five hours, it鈥檇 increase to $5/hour.
I initially didn鈥檛 pay much attention to the gig because it was just a few dollars per hour, but Pat kept asking me to try it, so I relented and took it as a side gig. Within a few months, the exchange rate skyrocketed, and the pay began to make sense. I started making $350 – $500/month, and Pat made $750-$800.
We鈥檝e stuck with the company since 鈥� I made it my full-time job in 2023 鈥� and our income has grown a lot. I now earn an average of 鈧�2.2m/month (minus the odd writing gig), and Pat makes about 鈧�200k more because they started ahead of me and are now like my boss. You know what鈥檚 great about earning much more now?
What鈥檚 that?
Money has helped our relationship. Don鈥檛 let anyone lie to you, money is very important in a relationship. Love is sweet, but it鈥檚 sweeter when there鈥檚 money. Friends always ask how we鈥檝e stayed together so long, and money is a major reason.
As much as I love gifting my partner, I also like being cared for and pampered. There鈥檚 a comfort in telling your partner you want something and they can afford to get it for you.
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True. What kind of money conversations do you both have?
I鈥檓 more financially prudent, so I often try to get them to set financial structures and stick to budgets.
For instance, Pat is their family鈥檚 breadwinner, and when we first met, they were drowning under black tax obligations. I taught them the system I use with family, which is to put everyone on an allowance, and once that finishes, it鈥檚 until the next month.
We often clash over budgets. I don鈥檛 pull out money randomly. If I want to buy an item, I budget a certain amount for that item and don鈥檛 go overboard. On the other hand, Pat tends to spend a bit more money on items, even items we don鈥檛 need. I always say, 鈥淛ust because you can afford it, doesn鈥檛 mean you should buy it.鈥�
To be honest, their purchasing decisions sometimes make sense. I once wanted us to buy a cheaper blender, but they insisted on a better one since they do all the cooking. We bought the more expensive blender, and two weeks later, the price went up. If we鈥檇 bought the cheap blender, we would鈥檝e had to replace it after a while at a more expensive price.
Speaking of, how do you both share the expenses at home?
We split everything 50-50, so we each contribute 鈧�120k monthly to cover grocery shopping, and Pat does the market runs. We also share rent equally. When we first started living together, we lived in my mini flat. But last year, we moved into a three-bedroom apartment for more space. The total package was 鈧�4.5m, and the annual rent is 鈧�3.2m.
For other small expenses, each person pays out of pocket without necessarily asking for a refund. For instance, I pay for the cleaner who comes every week and buy toiletries like toothpaste. Pat is the perfume person, so they buy things like perfume and kitchen utensils.
We sometimes argue about expenses, especially the question of who buys the fuel. We have an inverter, but Pat plays video games a lot, which kills the inverter. That means we have to buy fuel of 鈧�20k-鈧�25k every two days. I consistently refuse to buy the fuel, and Pat argues that I use the generator, too. But, hey, I didn鈥檛 kill the inverter.
Our finances are generally very open. We鈥檙e transparent with our earnings, and they have access to all my banking information.
Interesting. How about date and romance expenses?
We don鈥檛 budget for dates; they come randomly. We both work from home, and the honeymoon phase is over, so we hardly go out anymore.
We gift each other a lot, though. Neither of us can go clothes shopping without buying something for the other. Sometimes, I get random deliveries at home, or they go out and get me food from our favourite restaurants.
How are you both thinking about safety nets?
I take my savings and investment portfolio very seriously. I currently have about 鈧�15m in investments on Piggyvest and RiseVest, and another 鈧�5m in my mutual funds. I also have two plots of land, and I plan to acquire a plot of land every year for the next 10 years.
Pat, however, is reluctant to take risks or try growing their money with investment platforms. They prefer to look at their account balance in a traditional bank. I think they have about 鈧�12m in the bank.
Last month, I asked a friend to draw up plans for me because I鈥檓 considering investing in stocks, and Pat said, 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 carry me along in your financial moves.鈥� That shocked me because I鈥檝e always preached about investments and told them about every move I make. I even tried to get them to partner with me and purchase an acre of land for a real estate project last year, but they were too scared to lose money, and I lost that opportunity.
But recently, it looks like they鈥檝e started trying to replicate my portfolio. They asked about mutual funds and also bought a plot of land. So, maybe there鈥檚 hope for them.
Out of curiosity, what鈥檚 the most challenging aspect of living with someone for so long?
Adjusting to a different personality. I have a way I like things getting done, and sometimes I tend to forget we are not the same person, and we didn’t have the same upbringing.
Sometimes, I flip out over something, and when I calm down, I realise I could have handled it better. I just constantly remind myself that everything does not have to be how I always want it to be.
What鈥檚 your ideal financial future as a couple?
Ideally? To retire at 40 and travel the world. But realistically, the kind of financial freedom I want isn鈥檛 going to magically happen in eight years. So, maybe in the next 20 years, or when I build my portfolio to $300m.
As a couple, I鈥檝e started broaching the topic of joint accounts and investments, but the one thing holding me back is our different risk appetites. I don鈥檛 want to rely on Pat for every financial opportunity that I think we can seize because there鈥檚 a chance they鈥檒l have cold feet. We鈥檝e earned almost the same amount of money for years, and there鈥檚 a big disparity in our assets and financial choices.
I just want them to get to a point where they鈥檙e financially conscious like me and comfortable taking calculated risks so we can be prepared for the long term, especially in a country like Nigeria, where you never know what will happen next.
Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, .
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
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